THE WAY I LEARNT TO "JUST BE HAPPY"
There is a time in life when you simply have to stop complaining about things not going the way you wanted and start accepting what life is giving you instead. Enjoying life just as it is and .... being happy!
Last year, before my departure to a sabbatical year, when I was all broken my mother said to me "but just be happy". Those words didn't make any sense back then. "How could I be happy if I was suffering!" Althought I wanted with all my heart I just couldn't stop it.
As my sabbatical year comes to an end and as I see things not going exactly as I wanted, I do get it now, I am doing it now. I am just being happy.
Not entirely sure how that happened or what exactly made it possible. It might be that I finally realised how lucky I am, how much I have in life, how precious my own life is. Perhaps was discovering a life where I can help, even if little, to other people's wellbeing, which makes my life worth it. Perhaps was knowing there is a reason for me to be here and a reason for every single event happening in my life, regardless of my mind perceiving it as good or bad. Being sure by experience that everything is part of a perfect plan, where I don't necessarily have a saying. And being ok with that. Maybe I grew so much love inside that there is no longer space for pain and sorrow.
There is not an easy fix. I had to look at my fears and my pain face to face and take it all in. I had to show my real face, open my heart and learn to be comfortable with that. I had to learn to feel whatever I was feeling without longer holding it inside, repressing it. I had to allow myself to love, knowing I wouldn't receive back the same love.
Of all of the above, allowing myself to live this unconditional love, going beyond the mental pain was perhaps the best teacher. I gave my heart the chance to love and this love grew bigger and bigger.
How could there be unhappiness in a heart that is full of love?
So, what do I think they way out is? Stop holding yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling and go beyond it. If in pain, show it, say it, live it. Stop ignoring it, stop creating situations to make you feel or look temporarily "happy". If you are feeling love, embrace it. Love! No matter what. Without making it a transaction.
Love will grow. Happiness will be real.
My mom didn't have to take a sabbatical to know this. She didn't have to go on this search. I guess she had enough love inside. And I understand her words now.
One again, things didn't go exaclty as I wanted. I didn't find the perfect job for the new life I was aiming to start. But, who knows, maybe I got exactly what I need.
So, as I start this new chapter I will just "Be happy" with it.
I know how to do that now.